Capture Your Grief 2014

A Carly Marie Project Heal Event 

This will be the 2nd time that I will be taking part in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief for the month of October. I hope to take part on most days and will be posting them here all in memory of  my beautiful son Lukas 


I have to admit I'm never up early enough to watch the sunrise, its a part of the morning I embarrassingly haven't seen in a long time, and as I was snoring away snuggled in bed this morning with my bulging belly I was away in dream land and totally forgot it was the 1st of October. Today has been a busy day running errands and driving my daughter here and there for her day out with her friends, I haven't had a chance to snap a photo and absorb a moment of sunshine so I decided to use a photo I took last year but never used for the 1st day of Capture Your Grief.
I love how the sunlight is peering through the tree in my front yard but yet on that day I failed to see the beauty of it, It takes me back to that time, it was only 6 months after we lost Lukas, it was a delicate time as months had passed  but I was struggling with the "normality" that settled in because my grief was still so fresh, I still didn't understand any of it. Today as I look at this photo I realize how much I have grown in the past year, I will never "get over" the death of my son, but today I can treasure the days we had with Lukas and sacredly remember the love and tears we shared for a beautiful little soul.

Day 2: HEART

Lukas was born on the 13th of April 2013 at approximately 1 am on a Saturday morning. The instant I gave birth to him I fell in love with him, he was the most beautiful baby boy with light brown wavy hair and big brown eyes. I never would have imagined that moments after his normal, calm and natural birth my whole life would begin to unfold into the worst nightmare I ever experienced. When I think back on the day of his birth I cant believe I survived the series of events that took place. I still fail to comprehend the logic explanation behind his death, it comes unnatural for be to believe that it just wasn't meant to be. He was meant to be, and he is meant to be here today but he isn't. What I do know is that he would not want me to sink into the darkness of his death but rejoice in his short and beautiful life, (and I do) and I love remembering and honoring him in different ways, from taking part in this event to taking the time admiring the butterflies that flutter by and I'm thankful, I'm thankful everyday that even though the moment he was alive in my arms was short, it is the most valuable memory I will hold of him in my heart forever.

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go,my dear" - E.E Cummings


Here I am about 7 months happily pregnant with Lukas and with my beautiful daughter next to me,I remember feeling that pregnancy glow not only physically but spiritually. I enjoyed my pregnancy with Lukas, even though I was sore and uncomfortable in the middle of the hot and humid summer.
But I was blissfully aware that in 2 months time my son would be in danger so unexpectedly and suddenly once he was born into this world, after all my pregnancy, labour and birth was perfect and uncomplicated, having a tragic outcome like this just doesn't happen without warning. But it does and it happens all the time, I just didn't' know it would to happen to us. In this photo I had never experienced the feeling of grief, I had never been to a funeral of someone I loved, I never really knew what death looked like or felt. I was grief free, free of the burden, free of the sadness and emptiness, the first experience I ever had of loss was of my own baby and it hit me like a train leaving my heart scattered into pieces of confusion , anger, sadness and despair, I have then slowly
picked up the pieces of my broken heart but there's one piece that will always remain missing, the piece shaped of my son.  My grief has evolved and is still evolving , but into something spiritually indescribable moving in its own natural way, my journey in this life after loss is always changing, always teaching me and always motivating me, and I thank Lukas for making me strong enough to see what I could never see before.


This is me today, a year and a half after the loss of Lukas and in the same striped dress as above. I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant with my baby girl. I'm still me, but I'm different, its not like people can tell by just looking at me that I'm a bereaved mother, you cant see grief , the loss, my broken heart, the fact that I lost one of my children. But I'm grateful you cant see that label across my face, because it doesn't define entirely who I am ,but loosing my precious son has given me my anxiety's about the safe arrival of my baby on the way.
This is me now, today, at this moment in my life: I'm scared, worried, anxious, nervous and terrified, as the days get closer to the day I meet my baby girl the harder it is for me to even visualize bringing her home, but I'm hopeful, I pray and I wait. I've been keeping positive, avoiding as much social media as possible to keep myself centered in my mental positivity as I don't have the strength to do much else, instead I have been concentrating on my creativity, making things, setting up baby's room, baking and writing. This is me now at this point in my life.


I have always been a enthusiastic writer, I don't claim to be good at it, I just allow to express myself in the moment with whatever comes to my heart. Sometimes I have nothing to write , sometimes the words just flow and sometimes I cant stop. I have recorded most of my thoughts about my loss in this blog, I decided to create a blog soon after we lost Lukas as a way to record and tell his story, its been my retreat, the place I can come to pour out my emotions, where I can reach deep into my heart and extract every emotion, every feeling and every significant moment that comes with my loss that will forever be part of my life.


I never found the desire to read a book based on the subject of baby loss, I never felt the need to read about grief and whats expected of such a loss. I was already living it and I felt comfortable that what I was experiencing was just taking its natural course. I came across a lot stories of other loss's in the online baby loss community that I read with an open heart  and they helped me feel like I was not alone, but a book was never something I turned to...until I found a book called "Your are the mothers of all mothers" by Angela Miller, its written in a raw but gentle way and it spoke to my heart, mind and soul on such an incredibly deep and personal level that I cried the first time I read it. I love this book and everything about it and I definitely recommend it to every grieving mother.
"And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breath your last breath instead. To choose pain all over again just to spend one more minute together" - Angela Miller 


Lukas's resting place will always be our sacred place. Its the place where we said our last goodbye, the place which holds so many memories for me, the place we visit for his anniversaries and birthdays. I go every month around the 13th and take my time in every visit to mother his little special spot. Every season is different, the trees wither beautifully in the autumn and flower gracefully in the spring, the sun beams warmly on my skin in the summer and the winter breeze refreshes my inner soul. White doves flutter by and the tuis play in the sky, Lukas's windmills dance to the beat of the wind, and his special stone shines all year round.


Family. Sands. Online support. New friends. These are all the types of resources that have helped me from the moment I lost my little boy. I thank my family that have always supported me and never have failed me or judged me, they have been on this road by my side from the beginning. I thank the online community based on pregnancy and infant loss, I have met some amazing people from around the world and their stories off loss and hope encourage me to speak of my own loss to the world. I thank the Sands organisation for the continuous support and resources they provide for grieving parents. I thank the new friends I have made in which we share a tragic loss but beautiful friendship.


My sister came up with the beautiful idea of getting heart lockets in memory of Lukas for the woman in our family.  I loved the idea and I got working on the process straight away. Creating these heart lockets was a journey in itself, my grief was so raw yet I was determined and focused on getting these done. The lockets went to several places, where I talked to several curious people.The most interesting step was when I took them into a photo shop inquiring about printing and shaping of the pictures I wanted, I gave my usb stick to a rather grumpy man behind the counter, he opened them on his computer and started skimming through the photos asking me which ones I wanted, I suggested the 2 I liked and his response was quite blunt and rude, he had obviously no idea that my beautiful son in the picture was not alive and he asked me if I really wanted this photo where his wee little tongue was slightly poking out of his small mouth, he then mimicked the face. I politely and calmly said, "he is not alive in the photo" - his reaction was something I had never seen before, its like his whole persona took a 360 turn, he dropped his head into the clasps of his hands, covering his face and just sat there....which seemed like forever, me and my sister just stood there for a moment not knowing exactly how to react but as much as I felt like crying I knew that as his mother I had to be strong for Lukas at that moment, the man then props his head back up and says "I'm sorry" , he said he will print our photos and shape them into perfection, I said thank you, - I came back an hour after to pick them up, he wasn't there, and I haven't ween him again since but I would like to think that not only did Lukas move his heart but he also taught him a valuable lession to a complete stranger an thats a moment I will never forget