Tuesday, 24 June 2014


It was the day of the service, the day that we would have to say goodbye to Lukas's sweet little face forever. I panicked and buckled up Lukas into his capsule in the car and drove, I drove and drove to nowhere but infinity knowing that if I decided to turn back he would be gone forever. I glance back at him and he's awake, I tell myself this cant be true, I can't make out what exactly is happening but I have this strong feeling that I know its wrong, that as much as I wish it was true its not and I start feeling this heavy feeling..a forced feeling of knowing that I have to say goodbye but I don't want to.

Lukas is in his white little casket , I look at him one more time. The casket lid is about to be placed on but just as its about to close, he wakes up again, I don't understand.We try to say goody several times but we cant, because he keeps waking up.

These are the dreams I have been having lately - I can't quite make out what they mean, but maybe I do and I just don't want to accept it.
- I wake up from these dreams drenched in that same heavy feeling , I start worrying for him, I think that perhaps I'm not letting him rest in peace because the more time pass's by the more I long for him and wish he was here. I worry about if he is loved and taken care of where he is and if he is then by who. I cant shake that feeling of having to say goodbye, letting him go, trusting that's he's OK. I just want him here.