Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Thirteen months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Lukas. This photo captured the instant moment where everything was perfect, here we were admiring in relief that he was finally here. I held him on my chest, he cried and I saw his big brown eyes, a special moment that only lasted a moment. Minutes after this photo was taken Lukas started deteriorating rapidly to the point that he stopped breathing and even through they managed to resuscitate and bring him back the damage was already done. We would later learn that his condition was critical and we would not bring him home - a couple of hours later he passed away in my arms and till this day I still don't understand how or why this could happen.
Lukas's brief but beautiful life has made such an impact in my life, I am a better and stronger person because of him. Bereaved mothers are the most strongest people I know - we can go through the most devastating tragedy of loosing a child but yet live on while carrying a constant heartbreak in our hearts knowing every single day that our child is missing.
Losing Lukas has taught me that this life is unexpected, life can suddenly turn in a way that leaves you confused and angry. Life sometimes has no answers to our questions. Life can be a thief and steal the most precious thing you love. For a long time I felt cheated and tricked that living and feeling that moment where everything was perfect was a lie, I questioned myself how can God be so cruel to give me something so precious, to let me actually feel it, see it and hear it and then take it away just like that. I sometimes still think like that....but I have come to realise that life and everything in it is a gift, I experienced the most unbelievable grief and yet survived because life is a gift, every life is a gift no matter how short or long. Lukas was my gift, our gift, a gift we never got to keep but a gift we continue to honor and celebrate though the love we have for him. He gave us the gift of love, and un-explainable love, all the memories we have of him are all in pure love, he lived in love all his life and his love continues to shine upon us every single day and that is something I never want to forget.