Tuesday, 11 March 2014

How did I survive?

Did I ever think that I would be where I am today 11 months ago?

No.

I think back exactly at the moment when Lukas died, the days that followed, the weeks that never stopped and the months that have somehow accumulated into a year (nearly). I think back when my whole world collapsed in front of my eyes, I was never going to find my way out of the rubble.

So how am I still here? How am I not dwelling into that dark corner of darkness with dusty eyes that I could not see the rays of light? How did I manage to eventually find my way out of the rubble?

How did I survive?

I don't know how I survived, but I did and I continue to survive every day.

Every day is a new day, each day is unexpected. I face different situations, places and people.Perhaps it will be a day where something painfully reminds me that my baby isn't here. Like the pregnant mother that I would see walking past my house every day, and now shes walking with the baby in the pram, or hearing the cries of a newborn baby from next door. These situations sometimes push me to the edge, but I remind myself that I do not want this burden of grief on anyone, the constant "what ifs" and "whys" that spin around in my head, no one deserves that. I also remind myself I don't know what other battles other people are facing, perhaps that mother I see walking has had a loss of her own.

Its hard, it pretty dam hard, but I've come to discover that I can be strong. I can face these things and carry on with life. I can carry on even though the pain is floating on the first layer of my heart because its not deep enough to store away , it just sits there always making me conscious that things should be different. But I cant change anything and that does hurt,but even through this pain of the constant stabs, wounds and scars I still want to live my life courageously, I want to fight all the battles that come my way, yes I got knocked down quite a few times, and surely there's more KO's to overcome but I want to get up every time with my head held up high , I want to lift up my fist to this unpredictable, cruel but beautiful life and fight it with every beating heart.

I want to live my life in a way that one day when I'm old and frail I can say with out a doubt: "I had a good life, I survived, I am the woman I always wanted to be, a strong woman filled with joy and happiness, a free spirit not condemned to darkness and pain, yes I lost a child and the pain is indescribable , but I carried on for him, my beating heart has lived for him, every single heart beat has been for my children and I'm happy I did that. It was OK to feel sad, angry, lonely and dwell into the suffering but I was brave for I knew it would not be like that forever, I turned all that into something beautiful, transformed all of it into a beautiful life of compassion and love. I went through hell but I came out enlightened. I had a good life.