Friday, 14 February 2014

Stuck in a sticky spot.

As time gets closer to Lukas's birthday and angel-versary, and as time gets more confusing and complicated around our next plan to try again. I'm stuck in what feels like a sticky spot. I have my feet firmed on the ground but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. There is so much to do, so much to think about. And the truth is I'm stressing quietly. I am battling what should be Lukas's birthday coming up with instead ordering a headstone, and financially not really being able to afford it, yet I know it will be done with the love and help from family. I wish all I had to worry about was what sort of cake I will be getting not asking for charity. And then I'm bombarded with all this fertility information, suggestions and questions.
Do we really need to see a specialist? Its so expensive. Will it ease our worry? Will it really solve our problems or will we be left stranded again with no answers. I can just imagine it now, "everything is OK, Its just one of those things that happen."
The more that time speeds past me the more I panic that I am only getting older and I cant help but freak out and dramatically think of the worse scenario..forward 10 years later and we have no rainbow(s) (I know how dramatic I may sound) .
Its been 2 years since the day we decided we wanted more children. How easy it was that day as we joked that we would have at least 2 more quite close together. That day was exciting. How naive it was of us to talk about it not knowing that 2 years later we would still be trying. After 2 miscarriages and loosing our perfect Lukas, it feels like the more we want to have another baby the harder it is getting.
Will we ever get our little bundle of joy? Will we ever see the rainbow after this storm?