Wednesday, 11 December 2013

God.

I sometimes ask myself how can I carry on with so much heartache. Today is one of those days, the pain is sometimes so unbearable, the stabbing pain into my soul leaves my heart feeling deflated. 
What have I done to deserve so much pain, is this some kind of cruel punishment from some higher being?
Is there a lesson to be learnt from all this? Well if it is, it sure has done a good job at shattering my spirit and faith that I do not know how to regain it. 

God. Your cruel. I do not want to cast my troubles to you. I do not want to pray, I do not want to hear about you, read about you or trust you.

Where were you when I prayed with all my heart and soul that day, you know that day in the hospital when my son was dying.

People say you know everything, people say you are good. I believed it too, until you took him away from us.

I was willing to trust you again, not that long ago, did you hear me pray to you to let me see my rainbow, you didn't. You took her away too.

How can you put me in this position, a position of wanting so desperately the one thing I want more then anything, another child to nurture and love, the one selfless and most human natural gift I could ever have, you have taken away all my hopes and dreams.

Please don't give me any more lessons. I cant go through all this pain again.






Sunday, 8 December 2013

Early miscarriage versus infant loss

I personally find that early pregnancy loss is a taboo subject, its almost like society unconscionably whispers into my head "It wasn't really a baby so why even bring it up, "You were only pregnant for 8 weeks and a couple of days, it shouldn't really be acknowledged" those are the whispers I hear. But when I have already gone through the most horrible and unimaginable pain, I hate, just hate that I have to go through this all over again, and I can't help but to want to yell it out.

I was recently 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was technically my 4th pregnancy. And no it wasn't an embryo as the docter described to me in the emergency department, it was my baby, a wish in the making and a future with a bucket load of hope and dreams. I couldn't help but naively think into the future once again and even though I had that little voice in my head, that voice that questioned the what if's, even though it was there I didn't want to listen to it because its not what I wanted to hear therefore I focused on the other voice, the voice that told me that "everything will be OK this time" the voice that excitedly told me that "its going to be a winter baby, due on July the 17th!"  The voice that told me "This Christmas might actually be tolerable this year" I listened to that voice, the voice full of hope, surely this voice was true this time, surely life will not let us loose again. My midwife asked me if I was thinking ahead into a c-section or natural delivery.. This was real. It WILL be OK. I was going to have my rainbow baby.

But It wasn't OK and life did let us down again, not once, twice but three times.

Having had to go through both extreme ends of baby loss, two miscarriages and one neonatal loss. I've experienced both the high and lows like a continuous cycle. I've gone though the highs of finally being pregnant, I've gone through the lows of loosing early, through the highs of once again believing I'll have a baby in my arms, the highs of giving birth, and spiraling down to the lows of having to bury my baby. Once again all my hopes are crushed and thrown into a pit full of pain and grief. In all my 3 recent pregnancies I have had the same hope, love and dreams. In all my 3 pregnancies I have visualized the day I see my baby. I had due dates, midwife appointments and scans.

This miscarriage has been hard. On that Monday morning I was relieved to be told everything was normal. It didn't last long.

I've lost what could have been my baby.
I've lost my perfect baby boy.
I've lost what should have been my rainbow baby.

This is not just a miscarriage its the loss of a future, hopes and dreams all over again.

I've been thinking a lot about my losses through these gloomy and quieter days.  I've been thinking about the possibility of my bean living on,  I don't know if it's healthy or strange but I believe that every living thing with a heartbeat has a soul, her heartbeat lived in me for a short time but her spirit will join her brother in heaven.









Friday, 6 December 2013

Hanging on to hope

I wrote this post minutes before I lost my little glimpse of a rainbow, I saved it as a draft. I was going to delete in and write a completely new one, but I've decided to publish because it was already written.

This is my little bean of hope, 8 weeks and 3 days.

I've been bleeding for 8 days and I'm scared, "scared" is an understatement. 
I'm absolutely terrified.

We went to our 1st scan on Monday and everything looks nice and healthy, little beans heart was healthy and strong.

I was so relieved...

But a day later I started to bleed a lot, I was sure I was loosing my rainbow baby.

I've had a hormone test and the levels are low, its not looking good.

I am expecting the worse, I really didn't think this could happen to me again.

 I truly didn't think it could.

I'm hanging on to my last drop of hope.

I'm waiting for results, and a scan, its a waiting game.

I've played this game before, and I really don't want to play it again.

Esperanza (meaning hope in spanish) 5.12.2013