Wednesday, 11 September 2013

The Diagnosis.

I opened the postmortem report on my birthday. We have answers but what I feared was confirmed. We always knew what happened to our baby boy and now we know physically what went wrong, but the cause is unknown, I just cant seem to get my head around that "unknown cause." How can something like this just happen for no reason. "Idiopathic", "spontaneous" , "isolated condition" are terms that have come up while I have researched.  It hurts so much to know that Lukas was perfectly normal, there were no abnormality's, no infection, nothing was wrong with him. He was perfect. 

The Diagnosis
Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (pphn) is what they call it.
"Its defined as the failure of the normal circulatory transition that occurs after birth" -
"Most cases of PPHN have no clear cause or are caused by uncontrollable events. For these cases there are no clear preventative steps." -
"In an otherwise healthy newborn, the cause of PPHN is usually unknown."-

"Uncontrollable events" is a pretty good way to describe what happened to us in our case with the birth of Lukas because there was no indication that something was terribly wrong. Everything was going the way it was suppose to be until everything spiraled uncontrollably out of our hands, out of everyone's hands. I think back on the minutes after Lukas was born, and all I remember is seeing a herd of docters, midwives and nurse's panicking, it was chaos and it certainly looked like no one knew what the hell was going on. "Uncontrollable events."

Its been hard to process this. I thought it would bring me some peace and comfort but it seems to have made it worse. Perhaps this is part of the grieving process, a step closer to healing, a step closer to acceptance, a step closer to understanding  But I do not understand. Life is just cruel, my baby should have survived and no one can tell me that it just wasn't meant to be.