Thursday, 5 September 2013

30, spring and wanting answers.

Today is my birthday. I'm officially over my 20's and entering a new decade of life! Its going to take a little use to saying that I'm 30 now. Its also spring. My favorite season after summer of course! I have a feeling this month is going to be a month of a lot of reflection. I'm going to spend this spring creating Lukas's memorial garden. I cant wait! I've never been much of a gardener but I have this urge to start digging and shop around for pretty coloured flowers. I received a special memorial plaque the other day which I ordered 2 months ago from a lovely company. This company make them for free for families with infant loss. I'm going to place the plaque in the garden, in Lukas's garden. I will post before and after photos so watch this space!

I have been trying to stay positive lately but it can be hard through the loneliness, worry and fear.
We still have not opened the postmortem report, we are quite hesitant, its almost like we are scared that we know that there will be no explanation as in to why Lukas just suddenly stopped breathing after birth. I wrote on Facebook the other day, "Its easier to believe that Lukas was just too perfect for earth."- but as much as that is comforting at times, we do need an answer.
The coroner has still not closed the case, I feel that the investigation is taking far too long. I do wonder everyday what the outcome will be, so far we have not been given any official medical explanation to why this happened, as I have said many times before: we know what happened but we just don't know why, will the report give us any answers? I don't know. I really do hope we can have some closure with a decent explanation, I'm hoping the coroner will close the case soon and I'm also hoping we will have the courage to open the report.

Lukas's memorial garden plaque