Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Numbers.

Numbers.

39.5 weeks - the time Lukas spent in my belly
13.4.2013 - the day Lukas was born
1:05 - the time he was born
14.4.2013 - the day he died
3:00 am - the time he died
26 hours - the time he was alive
15.4.2013 - the night he came home
8:00 pm - the time he came home
16.4.2013 - the day he spent at home
17.4.2013 - the day we buried him
The grief and longing of having him back in my arms - Forever

"I was just guessing at numbers and figures.Pulling your puzzles apart.Questions of science, science and progress.Don't speak as loud as my heart." - Coldplay, The Scientist




Lukas's Clock in his room set at 1:05

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Healing Steps Series: "Creativity"



Creativity is something that I have always loved but also something that I have never been that great at. I lack my mums natural art & craft skills, ideas and patience. But I have recently discovered that creativity is in all of us. Creativity is in me. Its something that I have discovered through this difficult time and I'm really enjoying it. I'm currently into decorating mason jars for candles. I love getting to use different textures and finding new ways to make them look pretty. Most of the resources I've used are just things I have hunted down around the house. Things that by a glance would have no 2nd purpose; old books, leftover gift ribbon and bags, my daughters stock of magical glitter and a collection of jars that I have somehow managed to collect over a couple of months. I've decorated a few jars already and I light them up at night, it ignites up a relaxed and peaceful atmosphere, I love candles and the way the flame dances. My partner jokes that my new obsession is going to burn the house down but I can reassure you I am not a arsonist!
These mason jar candles are not masterpieces but I do find making them very therapeutic, healing, and peaceful. For a moment of the day I can concentrate on what I'm creating and I have to admit there is a sense of pride and satisfaction at the end. Pinterest is great for inspiration, I love scrolling down and re-pinning ideas for future use. I have a bucket list of creativity! I've also started on my garden but its not looking too pretty at the moment!
Taking photos, blogging, poetry and quotes are all parts of creativity too. I guess I've always had a flare of creativity but its different now, its more alive and soulful . Its something that Lukas has awoken in me. Through him I have found my creativity and being creative is good for the soul.




Friday, 13 September 2013

A Letter to Lukas



Dear Lukas,

Five months ago you were born on the early hour of a Saturday morning. I will never forget that day because I have permanently imprinted it in my heart, mind and soul. The next morning you earned your angel wings, and I will never forget that day as well. I have never felt so much sadness filled with so much love at the same time. When I held you in my arms as you took your last breath it felt like the world had collapsed around me but yet it was such a peaceful and gentle moment. I like to think that the tears I cried at that moment blessed you with my eternal love for you. I wish that my love for you could have healed you and saved you.
Five months on and here we are. I still think about you everyday, I still miss you everyday, and I wonder about you all the time. Five months on and my love for you grows by the second. I never knew this kind of love existed. The kind of airy love that floats around spiritually. Its a love that is alive, a love that is yours.

Love Mummy
xxx


Thursday, 12 September 2013

Healing Steps Series


I know that my blog posts are are way for me to express this journey I have unwillingly being forced to take. I write down my raw emotions of sadness, anger, confusion, fear and all the other mixed up feelings that fill up this bucket of grief. I decided to start a blog soon after Lukas had passed because I wanted to share our story, his story and what continues to be our story.
But it came to me last night that I would also like to start writing about my progress into Healing. It will be a way for me to concentrate on something positive. I can not change the tragedy that happened but what I can change is my way of processing everything. I will never be cured entirely since a part of my heart will always be missing but I can try to perhaps stitch it up a little. I know these stitches will probably come loose every now and then but I do hope that with time every stitch will become stronger. Healing steps will be my personal steps into encouraging myself into finding ways to bring a little light back into my life.
I am not too sure how many people read my blog, or who those that read it have also gone through something similar. But I would like to think that these Healing Steps might also give you some ideas into turning grief into something beautiful.
Below is my first entry into Healing Steps.

Healing Steps: "Walking on the Beach"

Papamoa Beach
I am so happy I decided to make the move nearly 3 years ago now from the big smoke of Auckland to the little town of  Papamoa. We have a beautiful beach here and all I have to do is cross the road and I'm in paradise. I have always loved the beach, the salty air,the sound of crashing waves, the sensation of the sand on my feet. Whenever I'm stressed and just need to get out I take my troubles to the beach. I grab my iphone, plug in my earphones and just walk. I stop every now and then to admire the different shades of blues out in the water and up in the sky. I spot for heart shaped clouds and if the suns peers through the clouds perfectly I snap a photo. I write Lukas's name every time I go out to the beach now. Its turned into a ritual. I find a stick, write his name always with a butterfly above the L , I take a moment to remember him before the waves take it to the sea. I come back home feeling refreshed, like all my negative energy has been absorbed. There's something about the sea that brings me peace.



Photo taken at Mission Bay of Rangitoto Island 
















Wednesday, 11 September 2013

The Diagnosis.

I opened the postmortem report on my birthday. We have answers but what I feared was confirmed. We always knew what happened to our baby boy and now we know physically what went wrong, but the cause is unknown, I just cant seem to get my head around that "unknown cause." How can something like this just happen for no reason. "Idiopathic", "spontaneous" , "isolated condition" are terms that have come up while I have researched.  It hurts so much to know that Lukas was perfectly normal, there were no abnormality's, no infection, nothing was wrong with him. He was perfect. 

The Diagnosis
Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (pphn) is what they call it.
"Its defined as the failure of the normal circulatory transition that occurs after birth" - http://emedicine.medscape.com
"Most cases of PPHN have no clear cause or are caused by uncontrollable events. For these cases there are no clear preventative steps." - http://pediatrics.med
"In an otherwise healthy newborn, the cause of PPHN is usually unknown."- http://www.childrenscolorado.org

"Uncontrollable events" is a pretty good way to describe what happened to us in our case with the birth of Lukas because there was no indication that something was terribly wrong. Everything was going the way it was suppose to be until everything spiraled uncontrollably out of our hands, out of everyone's hands. I think back on the minutes after Lukas was born, and all I remember is seeing a herd of docters, midwives and nurse's panicking, it was chaos and it certainly looked like no one knew what the hell was going on. "Uncontrollable events."

Its been hard to process this. I thought it would bring me some peace and comfort but it seems to have made it worse. Perhaps this is part of the grieving process, a step closer to healing, a step closer to acceptance, a step closer to understanding  But I do not understand. Life is just cruel, my baby should have survived and no one can tell me that it just wasn't meant to be.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

30, spring and wanting answers.

Today is my birthday. I'm officially over my 20's and entering a new decade of life! Its going to take a little use to saying that I'm 30 now. Its also spring. My favorite season after summer of course! I have a feeling this month is going to be a month of a lot of reflection. I'm going to spend this spring creating Lukas's memorial garden. I cant wait! I've never been much of a gardener but I have this urge to start digging and shop around for pretty coloured flowers. I received a special memorial plaque the other day which I ordered 2 months ago from a lovely company. This company make them for free for families with infant loss. I'm going to place the plaque in the garden, in Lukas's garden. I will post before and after photos so watch this space!

I have been trying to stay positive lately but it can be hard through the loneliness, worry and fear.
We still have not opened the postmortem report, we are quite hesitant, its almost like we are scared that we know that there will be no explanation as in to why Lukas just suddenly stopped breathing after birth. I wrote on Facebook the other day, "Its easier to believe that Lukas was just too perfect for earth."- but as much as that is comforting at times, we do need an answer.
The coroner has still not closed the case, I feel that the investigation is taking far too long. I do wonder everyday what the outcome will be, so far we have not been given any official medical explanation to why this happened, as I have said many times before: we know what happened but we just don't know why, will the report give us any answers? I don't know. I really do hope we can have some closure with a decent explanation, I'm hoping the coroner will close the case soon and I'm also hoping we will have the courage to open the report.

Lukas's memorial garden plaque






Monday, 2 September 2013

That perfect moment

I've thinking a lot lately going back to that moment when Lukas was born. When that moment was perfect, he was perfect, that moment when our family was complete. I look back at this photo and it brings me joy, it brings me truth and I now have a new way of appreciating the time I had with our son. I'm happy he got to be in his mothers arms, I'm happy we had that short moment of bonding, I'm happy both my partner and daughter experienced the birth. I'm happy my mum was there too. I'm happy I heard Lukas's cries and that I had a chance to see his beautiful big brown eyes. It may have been only a moment, but what a moment it was. I can separate the nightmare that came after this photo was taken and just remember that moment of pure love, that moment when our dream came true.