Friday, 30 August 2013

Where I am now: all over the place

This post is all over the place!

It's been 4 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since I lost Lukas. Everything still feels so raw but yet it feels like it was so long ago now. I fear that time is going too fast and I hang on to my cherished memories of my son with all my heart, but I'm scared that one day he will be forgotten. It's almost like in some way I'm scared to move on from this phase of grief. Its no wonder they say that "you never get over Grief you just learn to live through it." I can see now what that means. I guess that grief over time changes, they say it gets easier to live with, I read stories with a hopeful heart that I too will be more at peace with  my loss one day.

It's difficult being a bereaved mother to a child in heaven. I feel like its my responsibility to keep his memory alive, I want to talk about him, I want to tell his story and share the joy he gave me through so much sadness but its not exactly the thing you just share with people. I wish my story was different , I wish I could carry Lukas in my arms so there would be no sad story to tell but there is and so I carry him in my heart and as much as I feel and know that he was alive to me I wish he could be alive to the world.

I'm floating in this crippled aftermath. I'm left battling my personal demons on my own. I feel stranded and alone in this sea of grief and if it may sound like I'm asking for attention or sympathy, I'm not. I'm just heartbroken, shattered and tired. Grief is tiresome, it's burns my soul and sometimes it's so burnt I feel like hiding from the world. The anxiety is creeping back and bringing me down at the most unexpected times. Grief has a way of sneaking in like that.
I'm doing things to help me through this. I have my counseling and my grief support. I find creative ways to heal myself, I read other stories online through a broad infant loss community which I'm so grateful for and I write. These things help but they do not mend me,at least not straight away, there is no magical cure for loosing a child, its a long tough road, so I'm told.

I'm living the same life but its not the same one. What was suppose to be a new norm for me : the life that was suppose to be, the life of having my baby at home, a life of revisiting maternal joy and the sounds of cries and giggles is gone. GONE just like that. It makes me question life a lot. This has changed my whole perspective of life. Life can trick you in to believing that everything is going to be OK straight though to actually feeling it. I had Lukas in my arms alive and crying and it was all taken away just like that. Like God had snapped his fingers and decided right then and there that Lukas was not suppose to be part of this world, its almost like we were teased, fooled and then robbed of our son. I'm battling my own haunting thoughts about that moment and not having answers has a lot do with this. I just don't know how much more longer I can take of my patience ticking away like a time bomb just for some dam answers.

Lukas's Prayer Flag for August 19th Day of Hope, I decided to go for a baby blue theme. Its all sewed onto one of the many "cuddlys" that my daughter was attached to as a baby and were passed down to her brother.  It was so therapeutic making this,I love it and its now hanging above his shelf among his many other special treasures.