Thursday, 1 August 2013

Shaken up confidence.

So life is OK. Its not great but its livable. I don't think life will ever be the same for me. I often think about Lukas. There isn't a day where I don't wish he was here. I get reminded all the time of what we are missing out on, and its not fair. But what can I do? As much as I dwell on it, its not going to change and its not going to bring him back. I think about that day, the day he was born, where everything was perfect yet everything was not. I think about it and I have somehow come to terms with the events, its not to say I accept it , but its slowly interchanging from shock into it happened. I'm OK thinking about it and the loop of events has stopped in my head but its the missing part that is hard to live with. I'm missing a piece of my heart that will never mend because Lukas cannot be replaced. Missing Lukas is an everyday struggle and knowing that I will never get to see him again is heart breaking. I long so much to be his mum and I'm left with so much nurturing to give him but its impossible.
Everything that has happened has caused an emotional shake to my confidence. I was so confident when I was pregnant, I was so sure about everything, because well everything was actually going good.
I was confident that I was going to be the best mum I could be to Lukas, I was ready for the dirty nappies, the late nights, the love, the dreams, my baby. I was confident for everything that never happened. I'm not very confident now days, my self esteem has dropped. Some days I have plans to do something but I end up in tears because I just cant be bothered (and that's a nice way to put it) of actually looking a little bit nice, of facing the world. I just hate the way I look now. I miss my pregnant belly, its just an empty lifeless sac now.
I cant be bothered doing my hair, I cant be bothered wearing makeup. I hate shopping for clothes it just all feels like a waste of time. I know these things are not important, but I wish I wasn't so insecure about myself. 
So as much as I say that life is some what OK, I guess its not.

I've been hearing this song a lot lately. It was the song played at Lukas's service. His song goodbye.
After my counselling session last week it came up on the radio in the car while I was driving past the hospital where Lukas was born. So many thoughts were running through my head. That day was a hard one. The lyrics "This glorious sadness" mean so much to me. The glory of giving birth to my son but the sadness of having to say goodbye much too soon.