Friday, 9 August 2013

Hopes turned into dust

I've had a lot of in between time to reflect on things. I've been thinking back a lot lately on the miscarriage I had before falling pregnant with Lukas. I had never experienced a miscarriage before, it was scary, frightening and horrible. I had no control of what my body was doing. The day I fell pregnant with my jelly bean was a day of joy, happiness and good news. I texted Justin straight after the pregnancy test turned positive. We told everyone straight away. The day I lost jelly bean was a day of grief, sadness and shock. That day I noticed something was not right and I knew straight away that this was bad. I had gone to a midwife clinic and my GP only once when I noticed spotting a couple of days before. Both times at the midwife clinic and at  my GP the pregnancy test I took was still positive so I was hopeful, it actually never passed through my mind that there was a possibility of miscarrying.
When it was happening I called my friend and partner to tell them I had to urgently go to the hospital. We got there and I told them I think I was having a miscarriage, they took me in straight away. After waiting, required IV tubes and nurses checking on me, the docter came and gave me an examination, he did a scan and I will never forget those words " I'm sorry I can't see a baby" he then told me there was nothing anyone could do and I was to go home. Everything felt so clinical. I never got to find out how far along I was but I was at least 6/7 weeks. The grief I felt after that was hard, of course I was angry and sad but I said to myself that the pregnancy was not meant to be. I sometimes feel guilty that the grief I felt for jelly bean vanished quickly and disappeared when I fell pregnant with Lukas. But I'm also somewhat thankful it happened. If I never lost jelly bean I never would have enjoyed being pregnant the way I did. I never would have met my baby boy Lukas. But I also get mad. That after experiencing a miscarriage and feeling so sad I was once again so happy when I was pregnant with our baby boy. This was it. The baby we wanted. But it all took a different turn and once again our hopes were broken.
As time has gone past since Lukas flew away (3 months, 3 weeks and 5 days) I think about how life is so precious and unpredictable. I think about how life can be so unfair, and sometimes it's not in our control. Who decides to bring life into this world? Why was jellybean not meant to be? Why was Lukas taken away from his family that wanted him so much? Who grants life? All these questions but yet I wish no answer. If God is so good then why would he create life and possibilities in the first place only for it to be cruelly taken away? There is a poem that I have come across a few times and its called Gods Lent Children. I hate it. Is there dare I say a lesson to be learnt front this? I don't know. Perhaps. But what could possibly have to be learnt from loosing a pregnancy, from loosing a baby, a piece of my heart. Pieces of my heart that were filled with hope only for them to turn into dust.