Friday, 5 July 2013

Seeing Beauty in the dark

Its been 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since I lost Lukas.
I'm working Monday to Friday. Saturday mornings are spent battling the freezing cold crispy weather standing on the side lines at my daughters netball games. I don't go out much apart from that. Everyone's busy. I'm busy, well as busy as I want to be. I spend my free time buying beads online to make bracelets which is my new crafty obsession at the moment.
When its warm I go for a walk at the beach and write my baby boys name in the sand.
I seem to be functioning OK, I can get myself out of bed, and do the whole routine. But inside I'm still broken, broken into a million pieces of shattered heart break and I'm trying to find a way to fix it. I don't know if it ever will be fixed, the pieces might be able to mend over time, but I feel that my heart will always be fragile, yes I may look strong from the outside but I'm so sensitive from the inside.

Its been a roller coaster and I've never really liked roller coasters. They are scary and unpredictable, one minute your up high and the next your whirling downwards. I hate riding on my roller coaster. I might be driving on a steady pace of normality only to be hit by a sharp turn of sorrow and tears.

I remember back to those darkest of dark days, the weeks which is now leading to months (hardly.)
It was dark and cold, there seemed no way out. It felt like a door was slammed in front of my face leaving me bruised and tender. I was afraid I will never be able to see beauty again.
I was wrong.
Even though I still feel like I'm in the dark, I can see a little light. I can see beauty in things I never really saw before.
My grief has opened up my eyes to the beauty of this earth.
I can see Lukas in all things beautiful.
I see him in the clear blue sky and in the stars at night.
I see him in the rainbow and in the big bright moon.
I can feel him in the crispy winter breeze and in the warmth of the sun.
I can hear him in the songs of birds and in the crashing of waves.
I can see him in the butterfly's. The butterfly's that I always seem to just catch a glimpse of, especially on a day where I'm feeling down.
When I was heavily pregnant on a hot summers days I sat under a tree at my daughters school festival, my friend noticed that there were a whole lot of monarch butterflies flying above my head. It was beautiful.
Today as I drove to work I told myself that once I finished I would pay a visit to Lukas at where he lays. I forgot and I was already half way home. I felt sad and I was prepared to turn back. A butterfly then flew in front of my window screen as I was driving, it came out of nowhere, I felt a sudden rush of happiness and peace. I know these butterfly's are signs from Lukas to tell me not to worry and that he is with me everyday in spirit.
I have always liked butterfly's.
Even through the darkness of grief I can see a portrait of beauty and for that I am grateful. Thank you Lukas.