Saturday, 20 July 2013

A letter to Lukas

Dear Son,

I often wonder if you are safe. I ask God that he takes care of you and surrounds you with people that love you. I often wonder if the short time you spent on earth was painful and I wonder if you suffered. I hope with every tear of love I shed for you that you didn't. I'm sorry if you did. 
I often wonder if you were scared when you came into this world and had to be taken away from my arms so quickly. I hope you felt my love for you when I held you for that short moment. I wish I could know what you were feeling. I wish I could have protected you. I hope you didn't feel any pain when you had to fly away. I often wonder why you couldn't stay and I ask God why would he take such an innocent little soul away. You are the purest of souls I will ever know in my life.
I often wonder that when it is time for me to leave this earth if I will get to see you. Will you be how I remember you? Will I get a chance to mother you and see you grow? Would I get to cradle you in my arms again ? Or would you be the one to show me the way while holding my hand. I do not know what life awaits for me after my time is up in this world. But I hope with all my heart that I will get to see you again. Will you remember me? Will you recognize me? 
I often wonder if you know how much I love you. I often wonder if you know how much I miss you.
I'm sorry Lukas that you are not here. I'm sorry that you couldn't stay. I hope your safe and warm, I hope you are loved and in a beautiful place. I hope you feel happiness, joy and peace. Please know we love you very much. Please know we will never ever forget you. If I had one wish I would wish to see you again, and I wish that it may come true one day whenever that day may be.

Love Mummy.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Seeing Beauty in the dark

Its been 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since I lost Lukas.
I'm working Monday to Friday. Saturday mornings are spent battling the freezing cold crispy weather standing on the side lines at my daughters netball games. I don't go out much apart from that. Everyone's busy. I'm busy, well as busy as I want to be. I spend my free time buying beads online to make bracelets which is my new crafty obsession at the moment.
When its warm I go for a walk at the beach and write my baby boys name in the sand.
I seem to be functioning OK, I can get myself out of bed, and do the whole routine. But inside I'm still broken, broken into a million pieces of shattered heart break and I'm trying to find a way to fix it. I don't know if it ever will be fixed, the pieces might be able to mend over time, but I feel that my heart will always be fragile, yes I may look strong from the outside but I'm so sensitive from the inside.

Its been a roller coaster and I've never really liked roller coasters. They are scary and unpredictable, one minute your up high and the next your whirling downwards. I hate riding on my roller coaster. I might be driving on a steady pace of normality only to be hit by a sharp turn of sorrow and tears.

I remember back to those darkest of dark days, the weeks which is now leading to months (hardly.)
It was dark and cold, there seemed no way out. It felt like a door was slammed in front of my face leaving me bruised and tender. I was afraid I will never be able to see beauty again.
I was wrong.
Even though I still feel like I'm in the dark, I can see a little light. I can see beauty in things I never really saw before.
My grief has opened up my eyes to the beauty of this earth.
I can see Lukas in all things beautiful.
I see him in the clear blue sky and in the stars at night.
I see him in the rainbow and in the big bright moon.
I can feel him in the crispy winter breeze and in the warmth of the sun.
I can hear him in the songs of birds and in the crashing of waves.
I can see him in the butterfly's. The butterfly's that I always seem to just catch a glimpse of, especially on a day where I'm feeling down.
When I was heavily pregnant on a hot summers days I sat under a tree at my daughters school festival, my friend noticed that there were a whole lot of monarch butterflies flying above my head. It was beautiful.
Today as I drove to work I told myself that once I finished I would pay a visit to Lukas at where he lays. I forgot and I was already half way home. I felt sad and I was prepared to turn back. A butterfly then flew in front of my window screen as I was driving, it came out of nowhere, I felt a sudden rush of happiness and peace. I know these butterfly's are signs from Lukas to tell me not to worry and that he is with me everyday in spirit.
I have always liked butterfly's.
Even through the darkness of grief I can see a portrait of beauty and for that I am grateful. Thank you Lukas.