Thursday, 13 June 2013

God among this mess

I find comfort in believing that Lukas is in a safe place with God.
But I do not find comfort in seeking God to find peace through my despair.

Its easy for people to tell me "Seek God to help you through this" or "God needed him"
God needed him? I need him. Your telling me that I had to sacrifice my son for God? - and as in for finding peace through him - he is the last person I want to talk to right now.
Yes I am angry at God, I'm mad and I am giving him the cold shoulder.

When I sat in that nicu room with nothing except hope in God that he will save my baby, I was on my last disappearing thread of faith to trust that everything will be OK.
The thread broke when my son died in my arms.

Maybe its the grieving process. maybe it because we don't have answers, maybe its because I need to blame someone or something.

Everything happens for a reason right? That's the other thing people tell me - So maybe one day when I look back I will understand why this happened? 
I cant see that happening any time soon, I don't see any possible goodness in loosing a child even if its 1 year, 2, 5 or 10 years down the track form now.

All I ask from God is to look after Lukas where ever he may be. I know he will do this and I am thankful for that.. but until the day I see my son again, only then will I be at peace.