Thursday, 20 June 2013

Fear

Fear. Its something that is creeping up to me.
Haunting me in my sleep...
Nightmares.

I have never experienced fear like this before, sure there's the fear of creepy crawlies or the fear of thinking someone is going to murder me after a horror movie, but that's different, its a insignificant fear. Meaningless.
This growing fear I have is real and it comes to me most vividly in my dreams.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that the whole world around me was disappearing, it was melting into a big black hole, demolished and destroyed into pure darkness of nothing, and I was holing onto something , holding onto my life, scared that I also was going to vanish. I woke up before anything else happened.

I had another dream about 4 nights ago, where I had a baby. It was a newborn but it wasn't Lukas. I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I was in the hospital when I noticed it stopped breathing, I pressed the emergency bell but no one came in. I was in a panic. I placed the gas mask on this little baby, but it was too late. The dream ended like that.

I've also dreamed on two occasions where I have been told by either midwives or doctors that I would not be able to conceive again, in one of those dreams there was also a lady present, fully pregnant and holding a baby while I was told I will not able to get pregnant at all.

Fear.

Fear of loosing hope, loosing faith. Fear of getting pregnant or not getting pregnant . Fear of all this happening again, fear of loosing another baby. Fear of maybe not getting answers. Fear of death. Fear of not trusting again.