Thursday, 27 June 2013

Precious Minutes

When Lukas was born I held him straight away, I remember feeling his warm slippery body in my hands as I positioned myself to place him on my chest. His skin so soft and warm against mine. I'm not too sure how long I was holding him, it wasn't long, but it was enough to look into his eyes, kiss his forehead, hear his cries and fall in love with him.
I have footage of the birth which my mum filmed, it wasn't planned. I wanted my mum at the birth as a support person but it turns out my lovely Justin did well on his own, no panic, no worries, just excellent. The labor was excellent, so smooth and natural. Mum was just watching so she filmed the whole thing.
I've watched the footage a couple of times, I was surprised by my first reaction to watching it, I just smiled, its not a everyday thing where you watch yourself giving birth!

I still smile with happiness when I watch the footage of those precious minutes of our baby boy. I can see him, I see Lukas, my son, my baby, alive and feisty, His cries and grizzles are like music to my ears. I see his dark eyes and his fluffy brown hair.
Its a perfect moment, of me, my partner, and our children all huddled together. My family.

(I just happened to receive a phone call from the NICU doctor while writing this blog post, the reports are yet to be released so we will not be getting any answers next month as we hoped.)

Snapshots of the footage

Moments after birth

Anjelina meeting her baby brother

Admiring Lukas (Proud Dad on the right and big sister on the left)

Feeling so proud of my children

Perfect family moment

Thursday, 20 June 2013


Fear. Its something that is creeping up to me.
Haunting me in my sleep...

I have never experienced fear like this before, sure there's the fear of creepy crawlies or the fear of thinking someone is going to murder me after a horror movie, but that's different, its a insignificant fear. Meaningless.
This growing fear I have is real and it comes to me most vividly in my dreams.

I had a dream about 2 weeks ago that the whole world around me was disappearing, it was melting into a big black hole, demolished and destroyed into pure darkness of nothing, and I was holing onto something , holding onto my life, scared that I also was going to vanish. I woke up before anything else happened.

I had another dream about 4 nights ago, where I had a baby. It was a newborn but it wasn't Lukas. I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I was in the hospital when I noticed it stopped breathing, I pressed the emergency bell but no one came in. I was in a panic. I placed the gas mask on this little baby, but it was too late. The dream ended like that.

I've also dreamed on two occasions where I have been told by either midwives or doctors that I would not be able to conceive again, in one of those dreams there was also a lady present, fully pregnant and holding a baby while I was told I will not able to get pregnant at all.


Fear of loosing hope, loosing faith. Fear of getting pregnant or not getting pregnant . Fear of all this happening again, fear of loosing another baby. Fear of maybe not getting answers. Fear of death. Fear of not trusting again.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

God among this mess

I find comfort in believing that Lukas is in a safe place with God.
But I do not find comfort in seeking God to find peace through my despair.

Its easy for people to tell me "Seek God to help you through this" or "God needed him"
God needed him? I need him. Your telling me that I had to sacrifice my son for God? - and as in for finding peace through him - he is the last person I want to talk to right now.
Yes I am angry at God, I'm mad and I am giving him the cold shoulder.

When I sat in that nicu room with nothing except hope in God that he will save my baby, I was on my last disappearing thread of faith to trust that everything will be OK.
The thread broke when my son died in my arms.

Maybe its the grieving process. maybe it because we don't have answers, maybe its because I need to blame someone or something.

Everything happens for a reason right? That's the other thing people tell me - So maybe one day when I look back I will understand why this happened? 
I cant see that happening any time soon, I don't see any possible goodness in loosing a child even if its 1 year, 2, 5 or 10 years down the track form now.

All I ask from God is to look after Lukas where ever he may be. I know he will do this and I am thankful for that.. but until the day I see my son again, only then will I be at peace.

Sunday, 9 June 2013


There is no other word to describe it but emptiness.
The feeling is piercing and it feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
I have never felt it before, this feeling of longing for someone that is gone. Longing for someone that will never return. Someone that is gone forever. My baby, my child.
He will never be with me.
I will never get to see him.
I will never see his face smile or giggle.
I will never hear his cries or wipe his teary eyes.
I will never have him in my arms again.
I will never get to kiss him better.
I will never get to cuddle him and press his cheek against mine.
I will never feel his warmth, his soft baby skin.
I will never hold his hand or touch his little feet.
I will never rock him to sleep or watch him breath.
I will never watch him grow.

It wasn't meant to be like this. His room and all his wonderful things are in there waiting... but waiting for what. There is no baby.

For nines months I carried my son. I gave birth to him and he was alive, my dream came true. But it ended too soon, much too soon.

The dream turned into a nightmare.

I had him for a day but now he's gone for a life time, and now there's only this feeling...

This feeling of emptiness.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Dear Lukas

Dear Lukas,

We are so sad that you are not here with us, but we hope that you know how much mummy and daddy love you. We had so many dreams and hopes for you and we feel empty without you. 
We would have loved to see you grow and take you on many adventures. 
Daddy would take you fishing in his boat out to the ocean on a beautiful day. 
Mummy would take you to the beach and make sand castles with you. 
We would hold your hand as you took your first step and at your first day of school. 
Daddy says you would play rugby and he would take you to all your games. 
Mummy would bake lots of cookies for you (if your big sister didn't eat them all first!)
Mummy would love to kiss you and cuddle you and show you to all her friends. 

Daddy would take you for a drive in his "beast" (mummy thinks daddy's car is just loud and annoying shhh...)
Mummy would sing lullabies and rock you to sleep. 

Mummy and daddy would let you snuggle in our bed for lots of morning cuddles.
Mummy and Daddy miss you so much.

We wish you were here with us but we promise that we will do all we can to love you here on earth. 
You are our angel now, you are so special, you are our baby boy, you are our son. We love you Lukas.

Lots of love, Mummy and Daddy