Wednesday, 22 May 2013

So many ideas and one bad dream.

I've recently been so overwhelmed with so many ideas of how to keep Lukas's memory alive . I've had to tell myself to slow down, there's so many things I want to get done. My sister had an awesome idea to get silver heart shaped lockets for all the women in our family, I'm still in the process of getting them. Once I have them I plan to get them engraved with his name and place a photo inside them. It will be a way we can always treasure him and have him close to our hearts. I have photo albums that I need to do, I have photos that need framing to go along with his hand and foot prints. I need to get started on his memory box where I can have all his little treasures safely kept. I promised my son yesterday that I will get them all done.

I had a horrible dream last-night that everything in Lukas's room was packed away. His clothes, his cot, bassinet, changing table, toys, drawers...they were all gone. It was empty and I was furious. It didn't feel right. Its like he was to be forgotten and never remembered. His room is so special to me, every morning I take a moment in there to admire all his things. It may sound silly, but I feel closer to him in there, possibly because he was there before we had to say our last goodbye. I can still smell him sometimes, I don't know if its just me going crazy but I can. I feel sad when I'm in there but I also feel happy because I know he was real, and even though hes not at home physically he will always be home in our hearts.

These are a few treasures I have displayed in his room. The bookmark was designed by Anjelina my daughter and they were given out at his funeral service. The blue little bunny was from his grandma, the stone says "A little life, not a little loss". It was in the Sands pack that we received at the hospital along with the red candle and other things. Sands is a beautiful non-profit organisation here in New Zealand for bereaved parents of baby loss. They are great and their support packs are wonderful, and I have kept everything because it came in such a sensitive and traumatic time that I appreciated it so much. The blue candle was lit during his stay at home.