Its been 4 weeks exactly since my little Lukas flew away on the early hours of a Sunday morning. I remember waddling over to the room at roughly 2:30 am to see how we was doing. I opened the door, the nurse looked at me straight away and said "great timing" she was just about to get me and my partner because things were not progressing well. I remember the tone of her voice when she said it, as if she knew exactly what was going to happen. She told me to be back as soon as possible. I felt dead, my instinct was telling me this was not good, the walk back to the parents room felt like a million miles, my voice shattered with fear as I told my hubby what the nurse had just told me. He cursed. He got up. He looked as weak and tired as I was. We walked back to the room holding hands...
That's the memory I woke up to this morning.
My daughter ran into my room this morning excited to get started in making me breakfast in bed. She was so proud that she had learnt how to make french toast that she couldn't wait to make me some for my annual mothers day breakfast in bed. Shes 10 years old, my baby, my girl, she still gives me kisses and hugs constantly and I love it.
She walks in with a breakfast tray, a large hot coffee in my favorite mug and her proudly made french toasts, a card, a box of chocolates and a little heart shaped crystal in a silver gift box. I tell her breakfast looks amazing and I open up my mothers day card. It reads To Mummy from Lukas and Anjelina. I can feel my eyes tearing up. I continue to read. Dear mum, you are the best mum in the world. I love you mum and thanks for everything you do for me, I love you mum. Anjelina. Dear mummy, I love you and I miss you too. I wish I could be here right now with my family. You will be in my hearts forever, Happy mothers day,Lukas. She had written a message on behalf of her baby brother which just blew me away, it was heartbreaking, it was beautiful. I truly believe they have a in-explainable bond. What makes me feel happy is that she acknowledges that she still is a big sister. I told her I loved the card and that I love her more then anything, We snuggled up in bed eating chocolates until late morning.
We went to see Lukas in the afternoon, The day was perfect ,warm and bright with not a cloud in the baby blue sky. We stopped to get flowers and a brand new windmill. The drive to the cemetery is always a quiet one, its a drive of sad memories as I recall the day of the service. Lukas was in his tiny white coffin in the back seat with his big sister looking after him, her eyes not for a moment drifting away from him.
We placed his new flowers and windmill for him, rearranged and tidied up his little spot. We step back to admire him and remember him. We leave... but I don't want to. I want to stay. I cry all the way home, I feel grateful that I have a beautiful child next to me with unconditional love towards me but I'm devastated that I cant have my son next to me too. I want both my children in my arms. I want to have mornings snuggled up with both of them, I want kisses and hugs from both of them, I want trips to the park not the cemetery in perfect weather with both of them, I want to be able to tell them both everyday that I love them more then anything, I want to see both of their smiles, both of them play, both of them grow.