Thursday, 30 May 2013

Life without Lukas.

A couple of nights ago, Lukas appeared to me in a dream.
He looked exactly as how I remember him.
In my dream someone bought him back home, I open the front door and there he was.
My little bundle of joy wrapped up in a blanket, wearing the same clothes that he was buried in.
He wasn't moving or crying, but I was so happy that he was home.
I picked him up and the joy I felt of having him in my arms again was something I had never experienced before.
I was so happy.
I cuddled him and kissed his chubby cheeks but then I woke up and it was over.
I wanted to cry after that dream, but I didn't, I forced back the tears. I have been doing that a lot lately.
I don't know why. I guess I'm just trying to be strong.
I have moments out of nowhere ,where I just want to cry but I tell myself not to. I'm just trying to get by as normally as possible.
I'm confused, confused between feeling relieved that life has gained a little bit of normality with everyday things, but dreadful that this life after Lukas has passed is not the one we wanted.

Life has to go on...but without Lukas.

Every day is a mental struggle, I think of him 24 hours a day and even through work or a little bit of distraction, hes always there.
Its all I do now days. I'm not sure how long I'm suppose to feel like this.

Does it get easier?

Will I accept it one day?

 I don't know, for now all I want is him back. I want him to be part of our lives. I want to love him here on earth and not in heaven.

I don't like this life without Lukas.