Thursday, 23 May 2013

The Pain

These last couple of days have been painful. I see pregnant mothers everywhere, it reminds me how happy I was when I had my baby boy still inside me. I would look at the mums walking around the mall with their babies, knowing that soon I could hold my own baby in my arms too, now I avoid looking at them. I know several mothers that will soon be able to take their healthy newborn babies home and it makes me feel so empty inside. I'm sad, I'm not jealous or angry, its an emptiness feeling. A feeling so empty that I will not be able to enjoy the pleasures of mothering a baby so innocent and precious, a baby that is healthy , a baby that is alive. At the same time I feel selfish and insensitive of the thoughts surrounding my grief like I should bottle all these emotions, that I should banish their existence.

My baby passed now its time to get over it.  Don't dwell on it. Don't be sad. Don't think why me? Don't drown in sorrow. Don't imagine what life could be like. 

But I am...

I'm not changing nappies or feeding him as much as my body yearns to nourish him.
I'm not dressing him or bathing him, I dressed him once and that was for his funeral.
I'm not waking up in the middle of the night to attend to him, I wake up because I'm over flooded with grief only wishing I could just hear him cry. 
I don't have friends coming to visit him to give him cuddles and kisses, I have to take them to where they can visit his grave.

I've had more then one person say to me - "at least you have a child"
Yes that is true. I do have a child and I am forever grateful that I have my daughter by my side. I will never forget the moment I gave birth to my beautiful daughter 10 years ago and the privilege I have of seeing her grow.
Yes I did all the beautiful mummy/baby things with her. Yes I did bring her home alive.
I love my daughter more then anything in this world, but all the happiness and love I have for her can not cover my grief. It can not replace the fact that I have lost my son, that she has lost her brother, a baby brother that she was looking forward to more than anything in her life.

It can not replace that fact the I have lost one of my children when I'm meant to have 2.

Life is so precious. Babies are precious. Never take time for granted. Enjoy every second, every breath, every cry and every kiss.